Saturday, May 3, 2014

Sucky Cinema Saturday: 6 Minutes of Death

Today's Sucky Cinema Saturday is 6 Minutes of Death.

6 Minutes of Death was written and directed by Joseph Ciminera. Ciminera is supposed to be a famous TV celebrity chef. Never heard of him. Wish I had never heard or watched his cinematic efforts. If his cooking is as bad as his writing and direction then I would imagine Mr. Ciminera might start his very own signature pandemic. It was released May 2013 and also goes by the working title of "The Library". The budget was 50K, but I'm not sure where that money went. I know it can go quick while making a movie - but with everything low budget CGI and hardly any practical effects... just not seeing it.

The premise for 6 Minutes of Death seemed interesting. Interesting enough to persuade me to watch despite the fact that I knew it could not possibly live up to the synopsis:
In a small town circa 1860 small pox takes the life of a little boy. He enters a world that will get him prepped and re-incarnated for his next life. The library is a second chance, a place to select a storybook life and be reborn. The evil darkness takes the boy into lower earth. All the corners of hell are fighting to keep him from reaching the next level. Four guardians are sent to rescue him but they only have 30 minutes.

This has been done on the cheap and much better in the similar Gregg Bishop movie, .

6 Minutes of Death has broken all the rules of low budget film-making. Well, not all the rules, but some pretty big ones.

1) Never film a period piece. You don't have the money and the locations look stupid and so do the costumes. Inevitably, the actors read their dialogue in their regular accent or an English accent.

2) Never cast children. This entire film is filled with children. Maybe they were wonderful in that Children's Theater Production of Grease... but trust, they suck.

3) Silence. If you had a high budget picture with tons of money to spend on atmosphere... go ahead and shoot a scene with someone "thinking" or being "introspective". In a low budget flick, get to the point. Silence is deadly. It doesn't read as reflective from your actor, but rather a possible mental defect.

4) Fights. Low budget fights look terrible. I don't care if it's hand to hand, guns, or swords... avoid them. And unless you have Sammo Hung, do not cast a portly dude to be your Ass kicking Master of the Lord's Karate.

Thanks Red Box, once again you have stolen millions of dollars of people's hard earned money 1 dollar at a time.
He appears to be falling... that's because he is trying to kick.

Would I recommend this movie: Not really. It appears to be the type of quickie horror that fills the Redboxes these days. Between flicks like this and those godawful Ayslum mockbusters, Redbox is just a small Blockbuster... and we all know how that turned out.

I don't know about 6 Minutes of Death... what I do know is that this movie is 69 minutes of slow torture.

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