Sunday, March 29, 2015

Worst WrestleMania Matches

Today (3/29/2015) is the 30th anniversary of the WWF/WWE's flagship PPV event, WrestleMania. I could honor the occasion with a tribute to the best matches from previous WrestleMania events. Yes, I could.

But that would not be right. No, instead, I will offer tribute in the form of ridicule and shame.

Friends, may I present...

Mr. T vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper 
WrestleMania 2 (April 7, 1986)

Let's start with a bang!

Or... not. Mr. T lent his celebrity to the first WrestleMania and it worked. His alliance with Hogan was beneficial to both from a push standpoint. Mr. T, who was muscular at the time, is not a big man; nor was he a wrestler or much of an athlete.How do you work around these limitations in the wrestling ring? Have T and Piper laces up boxing gloves and to town in a staged boxing match. Vince never learns from his mistakes. Not only was this oddity a failure then, it would also be a failure and bad idea 12 years later when the WWF tried boxing with their Brawl For All tournament. Stick with 'rasslin', Vince!

Giant Gonzales vs. Undertaker 
WrestleMania 9 (April 4, 1993)

I know the picture is blurry, sorry. I chose this particular picture because it emphasizes just how big both of these men are next to the average size ref. Two friggin' titans! Should have been perfect, right? Nope. Another terrible 'Taker match. Anyone see a trend? For all the hype 'Taker has recieved for his his wins at WrestleMania no one ever said they were good matches. This one proves the point. In 'Taker's defense Giant Gonzales never had a good match, period. He was the Great Khali of the day and you can't get blood from a stone. Not even if you're an undertaker.

Big Boss Man vs. Undertaker 
WrestleMania 15 (March 28, 1999)

Big Boss Man was a big man. He was an okay wrestler. He was basically a typical big man: low work rate, power moves, heel. His job was to make the faces look good because he was such a big bully. The problem? Pitting him against the Undertaker. 'Taker's billed size sticks around 6'10" and 310lbs. Now, does this sound like a fella that can't take care of himself against a bully? To make matters worse, this was a Hell in the Cell match, one of WWE potentially dangerous and anticipated gimmicks. It went less than 11 minutes proving that, Big Boss Man may be okay in tag matches and TV but, he should not have been featured in a WrestleMania Hell in the Cell match.

Of course, any fan of the Attitude era knows the Boss Man was featured in two Hell in the Cell matches. The WWE does not acknowledge both, as one was labeled Hell in the Kennel... the title alone should be enough to clue you as how that match turned out. Hint: Not four stars.

Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg 
WrestleMania 20 (March 14, 2004)

WrestleMania 20 is one of my favorite WrestleMania events. Probably top 3.

It was not because of this match.

Even though this was complete and utter poop, the other matches were so stellar that they carried the night. What made this match so sucky? Well, both Brock and Goldberg were on their way out of the wrestling business. Combine the knowledge that they were getting paid regardless with the fact that Goldberg was never a good wrestling, and Brock, upon reaching the pinnacle of wrestling, the WWE, decided that his work rate needed to mimic Chyna's lackluster abilities... well, not a good match makes. Thanks to the internet, the fans (the fans at WM it seems, more than any other PPV, are filled with smarks) knew both men were leaving and practically booed them out of the ring. That probably didn't help the match.

The Great Khali vs. Kane 
WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007)

Kane is a solid worker and he excels at making others look good in the ring. However, when faced with a true giant of a man that can barely move, much less wrestle.... one could point out that this was a booking mistake. One could also point out that it was a hiring mistake with regards to the Great Khali.I don't know if I need to say any more about this match. I try to keep things PG around here, but sometimes I wanna go full R. This match makes me wanna say naughty words.

Diva Battle Royal 
WrestleMania 25 (April 5, 2009)

Third on Vince's list of things to hate in the world: women. If you don't want women to wrestle on your show, then don't have them wrestle. Simple, right? Apparently not. This goes along with Vince's desire to humiliate everyone and everything he hates on a national and global scale. Good job, Vince. Mission accomplished.

What makes the Diva Battle Royal so bad? It ultimately had nothing to do with showcasing the women's abilities or talents. Instead it was another comedy bit. Just stupid shtick, with Santino Marella doing his "funny" little Italian person routine in drag. Yes, he entered the Diva Battle Royal for some reason as his win sister, Santina. Funny, right? In less than 8 minutes 24 women were eliminated and Santina won the match. He was crowned Miss WrestleMania.

Great stuff! And by great I mean who ever had this idea should be working at a KFC not WWE.

One would think that the WWE would be ashamed of this. Actually, if you have watched WWF as long as I have, then you would know that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, shames Vince/WWE.

If you like women's wrestling may I suggest you never watch WWE programming again? Instead do a Google search for Shimmer Women Athletes or just Shimmer wrestling, either should do the job. Wanna see real women wrestle? Go to Youtube and look up LuFisto or MsChif.

Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole 
WrestleMania 27 (April 3, 2011)

Vince, owner and king of WWE, hates to see the good guys win. Deep down in his reptilian brain he thinks that if the good guys win then he is giving the fans what they want, and that, in the end, is abhorrent to Vince. More than anything, Vince hates his fans. This match, on the grandest wrestling stage of the year, was supposed to be Lawler's one and only WrestleMania match. Furthermore, it was a set up that finally allowed the fans to the cowardly heel Michael Cole get his beating - something that has been a staple of professional wrestling. Remember how I started this diatribe? Lawler lost the match in a most unspectacular method after both competitors wasted 14 minutes of time that could have potentially made someone a star.

The Miz vs. John Cena 
WrestleMania 27
(April 3, 2011)

WrestleMania 27 pretty much sucked.WM 27 was the last PPV advertised by World Wrestling Entertainment. Four days after WM 27 they switched the brand to simply WWE. Why? Because the second thing on Vince's list of hate, right below the fans, is wrestling. Doesn't WWE stand for World Wrestling Entertainment? No. It stands for WWE. In another 10 years, when Vince kicks the bucket, the brand will be changed to HHH. Enough about that... This was the craptastic main event for WM 27. The modern day Hulk Hogan, John Cena, against one of the most annoying champions in WWF's history, Mike Mizanin. I think Cena is talented, but has been crammed down the fan's throats. Miz... I liked his character on MTV, but he is a jobber at best. Did I mention this was the main event? How did it end? Big spoiler... in one of the suckiest finishes ever, a double count out.

Screw you, Vince.